Drugs Are Bad

This is your brain:




This is your brain on drugs:





Any Questions?



props to dlisted

Red Sox Stand Up Against Injustice

If anyone ever doubted that the Boston Red Sox clubhouse was a family, heres your proof:



Essentially, MLB thought they could cut a few costs on the big "Opening the season in Japan" experiment by not paying bonuses to the coaches and staff of the Sox and the A's, even though they are paying each player $40,000 to make the trip. The Red Sox players, upon learning of this, voted unanimously to cancel the trip and boycott their last spring training game. You gotta hand it to these guys, $40k is a drop in the bucket to some of them, but they didnt forget their roots here. Thats a good deal of money to the guys who wash the jerseys and pick up the balls after batting practice. Even for the coaches, $40k is 40% of the salary for some on the lower rungs. Heres to labor sticking it to management!

Rating the New Yankee

In one of the biggest pre-season acquisitions in franchise history, the Yankees announced that they signed coveted free agent Billy "Mr. Saturday Night" Crystal to a 1-day contract. The comedian, known mostly for not being funny, will workout with the team today at their spring training facility in Tampa and will see action in tomorrows game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Lets take a quick look at his past performances to see how he may fare in the bigs:

1. Soap- Played the gay guy. 'Nuff said.

2. The Princess Bride- The movie no man is allowed to hate, lest they lose all respect in women's' eyes and never get laid again. Possibly Billy's finest performance, as Miracle Max, the crotchety old wizard-type guy who helps the actual stars of the movie get the girl in the end.

3. Throw Momma from the Train- Great movie....for Danny DeVito. Billy slips into his everyman/straight man routine that will carry him through many movies.

4. When Harry Met Sally- The late-80s classic that spurred many a conversation among your parents and their friends while you watched Transformers and played with Micro Machines. The essential question of the film, can two friends sleep together and still be friends, is yet to be decided.

5. City Slickers- Actually a pretty decent movie, but that owes more to the supporting cast of Bruno Kirby, Daniel Stern and the great Jack Palance than to what Billy Crystal pulled out of that cows womb. I wont lie, I liked this movie...when I was 10.



6. Forget Paris- Never saw it. Looked bad.

7. My Giant- Another bad one. But I did see this, as Gheorge Muresan was taking the Washington DC area by storm at the time. Goddamn that fucker was tall.

8. Analyze This/That/Other thing- Crystal returns to the decent column on the coattails of the master thespian Robert DeNiro. Crystal didn't write it or direct it, but I will still go ahead and accuse him of stealing from the Sopranos. Bastard.

9. Monsters Inc.- Shouldn't count because he just did a voice, but the guys resume is a lot thinner than I thought it would be. I mean, theres a bunch of other stuff the guys been in, but really, its like a total of 50 jobs in the last 30 years. So not only is he a bastard, he is a lazy bastard.

10. 61*- Finally, some relevant experience. Now, I liked this movie a lot. Not only because it showed Yankee sportswriters and fans to be vicious savages but Thomas Jane's booze-soaked turn as Mickey Mantle was magnificent. Barry Pepper was solid as the stoic Roger Maris and Crystals direction was only slightly masturbatory. It was also nice to see that Anthony Michael Hall was still alive.


On balance, this list shows that Crystal is woefully unprepared to play baseball for the Yankees. Not a single inning pitched or at-bat in his whole career. This will significantly limit his earning power in the majors, at least until he has a chance to get some experience under his belt tomorrow. All that being said, expect a multi-million dollar deal coming from Hank soon, if only to prove that hes better than his dad at throwing away money.

Bill Cowher impersonator implicated in prostitution ring

Once again, in our effort to break news as soon as it starts to bend, we bring you the hot-off-the-presses story of our fair governor and his filty whoring habit. Now, not too many steamy details have emerged about "Client 9"'s dealings with Emperors Club VIP, but heres what we know so far:

One of those arrested told a prostitute identified only as "Kristen" that she should take a train from New York to Washington for an encounter with Client No. 9 on the night of Feb. 13, according to an affidavit.

Lewis said the client would be "paying for everything -- train tickets, cab fare from the hotel and back, mini bar or room service, travel time and hotel," the court papers said. The client paid $4,300 in cash to the service.

The prostitute, described in the complaint as a "petite, pretty brunette, 5-feet-5 inches and 105 pounds," met the client at about 10 p.m., according to the complaint. Lewis asked Kristen how she thought the appointment went, and she said that she thought it went very well.

In a conversation with the booking agent, Kristen said that she liked the client and that she did not think he was difficult, according to the papers.

The agent said she had been told the client "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe ... very basic things," according to the papers, but that Kristen responded by saying, "I have a way of dealing with that ... I'd be, like, listen dude, you really want the sex?"

With all the vitriol that has been thrown around the state government since he took office, its nice to know that the Guv is at least kind to his hookers. My mother always told me that the way you treat your whores tells people a lot about what kind of man you are. But the real question here is about that last quote. Is the Guv into some kinky shit? Im drawing a blank on something "very basic" but that someone might not think is safe. What could that be? More to come once we get a pic of the lovely "Kristen".

If the boobs cant fit, you must acquit

We here at SUS try our best to keep you updated on breaking legal news around the globe. Today, we have the story of Japanese bikini model Serena Kozakura.




Last year Serena goes over to her boyfriends house and stumbles upon him with another lady-friend. Well, not exactly stumbled, as she was locked out of the apartment. So she did what any woman in a similar circumstance would do, she kicked a hole in the door and crawled inside to bitch him out. Well, evidently two people saw her wriggle through the hole and testified against her in court. Girl(woman, shes 38) got 14 MONTHS in jail for that shit. As an aside, thats an insane sentence, waaaaay too harsh. Anyway, she appealed the sentence and her lawyer Johnichiko Cochoransan found the perfect defense: Her boobs are too big(44in!) to fit through the door. And guess what, it worked! Homegirl was set free to giggle her giant funbags on the outside instead of getting them pimped out for coke and cigarettes in Japanese prison. Lets go to the videotape:




Now, I cant understand 99.99% of this video but I do know it doesnt get much better than seeing the reenactment of this incident (bout 3:30 on the vid) and this chick getting the same look on her face that OJ had when he couldnt get that glove on(he tried so hard!) at his trial. That and the camera keeps panning down to her chest during the news conference, obviously for purely news-related purposes. Im just happy to see the justice system in Japan works and crazy bitches like this are still free to kick down doors when the need arises, as long as they have massive hooters.

Props to dlisted.com

Grunting is a God-given right, not a privilege

From my friend ESPN:

A 9-year-old Australian girl has been banned from playing tennis at her local club over the noise she makes while competing. The Herald Sun of Melbourne, Australia, reported that Lauryn Edwards was told last weekend that she could no longer play after an opposing player complained about her grunting. Edwards' favorite player is Maria Sharapova. And like her hero, Edwards grunts when she strikes the ball. "They told me to guarantee she won't grunt or she can't play," Duncan Edwards[the girl's father] said, according to the report. "How can I guarantee that? She's been doing it since she was really little. She's her own person. What do they want me to do? Put Band-Aids over her mouth?" he added. "They made her cry on the court when they told her. She was in such a state that I had to bring her home mid-match." She says the grunting is part of her game. "It feels natural to do my noise. I'm not faking it," she said, according to the Herald-Sun. "It makes me play better. When I don't do it, I don't play my best tennis. And now people have told me I can't play if I do it."

Now, usually I'm big on organizations being able to set their own rules, but I have to call BULLSHIT on this. Asking this girls father to "guarantee" she wont grunt during a match is like asking me to make sure the Dow doesn't dip below 10,000. I can try, but that's about it. Little girls(and boys) do all sorts of weird shit, and God help you if you try to tell them to stop. I mean, its obvious that the other girls shes playing against are intimidated, and that's part of her game. Nothing wrong with that. As far as my tennis knowledge goes, its the audience that is prohibited from making noise during a point, not the players. So Northern Suburbs Junior Tennis Association members, you may be able to silence one 9 year-old girl, but you cant silence Straight Up Sports. And yes, Maria Sharapova being mentioned in the article is enough justification to put up a picture of her.

Im a hockey fan again!

In keeping with the apparent hockey theme of the blog today, Id like to announce that Ive signed a contract with the NHL to be a fan for the remainder of the regular season and this years Stanley Cup playoffs. My attorneys and agents have been in extended negotiations with the NHL's Fan Satisfaction Division (wouldn't it be nice if that were real?) since shortly before the lockout of a few years ago, when I voided my previous contract as a fan of the league. Now some have told me that I am foolish or opportunistic for this decision to return to a sport that brought me so much joy before breaking my heart. No sir, I say to the charge, everyone, and every sport deserves a second chance. And besides, if I gave a shit about what other people think of my sports affiliations, Id be a Yankee fan.

So, what brought me back you ask? Two alliterative names, Foppa and Footer. Both Peter Forsberg and Adam Foote were acquired at/near todays trade deadline by the Colorado Avalanche, with whom I had a torrid affair from 1995-2004. Lets take a quick look at these two:

The former "greatest hockey player in the world", Peter "Foppa" Forsberg was a wizard with the puck, making impossible passes and leaving everyone but elitest of defenders in the snowy spray of his dust. Alas, the man has lost a step. Mainly this is due to the Devils-friendly rules that dominated the NHL for the last 15ish years that allowed a more defensive-minded and brutal game. Teams quickly realized that the only way to beat Foppa was to injure him. 10 years of grueling playoff series' where hacking and slashing Forsberg was job #1 for opposing teams turned even this solid soldier into an injury trainwreck. Even now, Foppas return is not guaranteed despite the $5mil pro-rated contract he just signed, as his ankle may limit him, or even prevent him from suiting up at all. Regardless what he ends up contributing to the Avalanche this season, Peter Forsberg is still the baddest Swede on the block, ya heard?

The other major acquisition for the Avalanche is defenseman Adam Foote. Im sure my brother is excited at this pick-up, as his Foote sweater is suddenly relevant again. Foote was our hitter, the bad mofo who you didn't want to see coming your way if you had the puck and were near the boards. A solid defender in every aspect of the game(ok, not that great running the point on power play), Foote has been one of the cornerstones of the Columbus Blue Jackets since signing with them after the lockout.

So watch out NHL, we have a pack of injury-ridden middle aged men in Denver who are hungry to recapture the glory of the past. Now that makes me want to watch some hockey.