Grunting is a God-given right, not a privilege

From my friend ESPN:

A 9-year-old Australian girl has been banned from playing tennis at her local club over the noise she makes while competing. The Herald Sun of Melbourne, Australia, reported that Lauryn Edwards was told last weekend that she could no longer play after an opposing player complained about her grunting. Edwards' favorite player is Maria Sharapova. And like her hero, Edwards grunts when she strikes the ball. "They told me to guarantee she won't grunt or she can't play," Duncan Edwards[the girl's father] said, according to the report. "How can I guarantee that? She's been doing it since she was really little. She's her own person. What do they want me to do? Put Band-Aids over her mouth?" he added. "They made her cry on the court when they told her. She was in such a state that I had to bring her home mid-match." She says the grunting is part of her game. "It feels natural to do my noise. I'm not faking it," she said, according to the Herald-Sun. "It makes me play better. When I don't do it, I don't play my best tennis. And now people have told me I can't play if I do it."

Now, usually I'm big on organizations being able to set their own rules, but I have to call BULLSHIT on this. Asking this girls father to "guarantee" she wont grunt during a match is like asking me to make sure the Dow doesn't dip below 10,000. I can try, but that's about it. Little girls(and boys) do all sorts of weird shit, and God help you if you try to tell them to stop. I mean, its obvious that the other girls shes playing against are intimidated, and that's part of her game. Nothing wrong with that. As far as my tennis knowledge goes, its the audience that is prohibited from making noise during a point, not the players. So Northern Suburbs Junior Tennis Association members, you may be able to silence one 9 year-old girl, but you cant silence Straight Up Sports. And yes, Maria Sharapova being mentioned in the article is enough justification to put up a picture of her.

Im a hockey fan again!

In keeping with the apparent hockey theme of the blog today, Id like to announce that Ive signed a contract with the NHL to be a fan for the remainder of the regular season and this years Stanley Cup playoffs. My attorneys and agents have been in extended negotiations with the NHL's Fan Satisfaction Division (wouldn't it be nice if that were real?) since shortly before the lockout of a few years ago, when I voided my previous contract as a fan of the league. Now some have told me that I am foolish or opportunistic for this decision to return to a sport that brought me so much joy before breaking my heart. No sir, I say to the charge, everyone, and every sport deserves a second chance. And besides, if I gave a shit about what other people think of my sports affiliations, Id be a Yankee fan.

So, what brought me back you ask? Two alliterative names, Foppa and Footer. Both Peter Forsberg and Adam Foote were acquired at/near todays trade deadline by the Colorado Avalanche, with whom I had a torrid affair from 1995-2004. Lets take a quick look at these two:

The former "greatest hockey player in the world", Peter "Foppa" Forsberg was a wizard with the puck, making impossible passes and leaving everyone but elitest of defenders in the snowy spray of his dust. Alas, the man has lost a step. Mainly this is due to the Devils-friendly rules that dominated the NHL for the last 15ish years that allowed a more defensive-minded and brutal game. Teams quickly realized that the only way to beat Foppa was to injure him. 10 years of grueling playoff series' where hacking and slashing Forsberg was job #1 for opposing teams turned even this solid soldier into an injury trainwreck. Even now, Foppas return is not guaranteed despite the $5mil pro-rated contract he just signed, as his ankle may limit him, or even prevent him from suiting up at all. Regardless what he ends up contributing to the Avalanche this season, Peter Forsberg is still the baddest Swede on the block, ya heard?

The other major acquisition for the Avalanche is defenseman Adam Foote. Im sure my brother is excited at this pick-up, as his Foote sweater is suddenly relevant again. Foote was our hitter, the bad mofo who you didn't want to see coming your way if you had the puck and were near the boards. A solid defender in every aspect of the game(ok, not that great running the point on power play), Foote has been one of the cornerstones of the Columbus Blue Jackets since signing with them after the lockout.

So watch out NHL, we have a pack of injury-ridden middle aged men in Denver who are hungry to recapture the glory of the past. Now that makes me want to watch some hockey.

Its been an interesting two months since former Senator George Mitchell released the "Report to the Commissioner of Baseball of an Independent Investigation into the Illegal Use of Steroids and Other Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball". Much has been said about the credibility of witnesses, the fact that the "accused are innocent until proven guilty", and that Sen. Mitchell is himself a deceptive individual who cant be trusted. Let me refute these incredibly asinine arguments.

1. The major sources for the information in the Mitchell report were Kirk Radomski and Brian McNamee. Their cooperation with Sen. Mitchell was secured by allowing them to plead to lesser charges in their respective cases on distribution of illegal substances(drugs, to the lay person). Now, some have said that makes them untrustworthy. Which is a logical argument, if you want to destroy our entire criminal justice system. For those of you who have never; talked to a lawyer, gotten arrested with your buddies, watched "Law & Order", watched "The Wire", watched any cop show ever, trading information for a lightened sentence is pretty much how criminal prosecutions work. It rewards the defendants who come clean early, and punishes those who continue to lie to investigators. So if that is an illegitimate concept, then you can go ahead and free probably 85-90% of the people in prison. I expect all you people calling McNamee and Radomski liars to be down at City Hall protesting for this tomorrow morning.

2. This was my favorite anti-Mitchell argument of them all. Oh, these poor, upstanding baseball players, with their names splashed across the front pages of newspapers across the country. THE HUMANITY!!! Poor guys, where can they hide their "innocent until proven guilty" faces? But hold on-what does that phrase actually mean? Lets go to the video tape-er-wikipedia. "The presumption of innocence — being innocent until proven guilty — is a legal right that the in criminal trials has in many modern nations." Now, I may be terribly mistaken, but I dont believe Sen. Mitchell was bringing people up on charges. His report is addressed to the Commissioner of Baseball, not the local hanging judge. You see, the presumption of innocence is the basis of our trial system so that prosecutors have to convince a jury of your peers that you are guilty BEFORE THEY SEND YOU TO PRISON. This concept is to keep innocent people out of jail, not off the front pages. To protect against defaming statements(slander and libel), people are allowed to sue the person who made the defaming statements. Strangely, not one person named in the Mitchell Report has done this. In fact, the only responses from the individuals named have been confirmations of the accusations, non-denial denials and Roger Clemens fascinating self-immolation on Capitol Hill. Lets not forget that Mitchell has NOTHING to do with the Congressional hearings, and that any perjury case against Clemens will stem from his own stratospherically egotistical decision to demand a public hearing in front of Congress, not from anything George Mitchell did.

3. This is the most ridiculous anti-Mitchell statement of them all. First, lets look at this guy's resume:

George John Mitchell, (born August 20, 1933) is a former Democratic Party politician and United States Senator who currently serves as chairman of the worldwide law firm DLA Piper and also as the Chancellor of the Queen's University in Belfast, Northern Ireland. He was the U.S. Senate Majority Leader from 1989 to 1995 and chairman of The Walt Disney Company from March 2004 until January 2007. He served as co-chairman (with Newt Gingrich) of the Congressionally mandated Task Force on the United Nations, which released its findings and recommendations on June 15, 2005. In 2007, he became a visiting Professor in Leeds Metropolitan University's School of Applied Global Ethics and the University is developing a new Centre for Peace and Conflict Resolution bearing his name. Since 1995, he has been active in the Northern Ireland peace process as U.S. Special Envoy to Northern Ireland. Mitchell first led a commission that established the principles on non-violence to which all parties in Northern Ireland had to adhere and subsequently chaired the all-party peace negotiations, which led to the Belfast Peace Agreement signed on Good Friday 1998 (known since as the Good Friday Agreement).

Now, after looking at that, you realize that the Mitchell Report is probably the least important thing this guy has ever done. This is a guy who has bigger fish to fry than weasely little Hank Steinbrenner and the yahoos in the Yankees front office. Hear this loud and clear Yankee (and Red Sox) fans: Not everything in the world is about the Boston-New York sports rivalry. George Mitchell is a "Director" of the Red Sox because hes a former Senator from Maine, not because he swore a blood oath to fabricate evidence to embarass the Yankees. They named a bunch of Yankees and Mets because they were getting info from guys who-thats right-WORKED FOR/WITH THE YANKEES AND METS!!! I know that this may be too logical for some of you out there, but Mitchell didnt want to mention players about whom he had no evidence. But what of Sen. Mitchells ultimate intentions? Surely they are the eventual uncovering of all the steroid users on the Yankees and thier prosecution and imprisonment, right? Lets see his conclusion on that: "An exhaustive investigation attempting to identify every player that has used illegal substances would not be beneficial." He said, there is gonna be no way to definitively prove or disprove whether each individual player juiced, so lets test everyone from here on out and let bygones be bygones. Seems pretty reasonable to me. Maybe we should all follow his advice.

Vote Right, or else....

We here at Straight Up Sports usually leave our political affiliations, along with our inhibitions and decency, at the door. But sometimes, events become too large to not comment upon.

As many of you may have heard, there will be a Presidential election this November, and that means we are in the thick of primary season. Sen. Barack Obama and Hil-dawg, as I like to call her(cheers to SP), fought to a near draw on "Super-Duper Tuesday" with Obama getting a slight edge. So, what happens right after the national news networks declare Hildawg the winner in Arkansas and Tennessee? God smites those states with a rash of tornadoes(see below).

Now you may call me an asshole or insensitive for posting this, and I wouldnt argue with that. But dont tell me Im wrong. Back in September of 2004, just 2 months before the last Presidential election, God had a message for Florida as well. After the total clusterfuck of an election in 2000, the big man upstairs wanted everyone to be sure that we all knew who HE was voting for.

Lets follow his advice this time people.

Oh, is there a football game this weekend? I haven't heard a thing!

So, we are finally here, the big weekend. Now, Ive done an amazing job of avoiding 99% of the hype surrounding this game, but I do live in New York, so I couldn't get away from all of it. So, to anyone who actually believes that Bradys ankle will be an issue, I have some lovely plots of land to sell you alongside the scenic Gowanus Canal. This is a classic non-story to keep the chattering classes occupied so they wont ask anymore questions about SpyGate(to which we still have not recieved any satisfactory answers). Anyway, my boss is glaring at me, so I will be brief with my pick.

This is a true mind/gut split for me. The Pats will probably win, but I really don't want them to. They have the edge pretty much everywhere, but there are some reasons for hope. Brandon Jacobs could get some big runs vs. this group of linebackers and NYs D-line has the ability to get to Brady at least a few times. Its possible that Plax could have a big day in the corner of the endzone. These are all big maybes, but one thing is certain: QB play will decide this game. If the Giants D can bring Brady down to Earth, and Eli can continue his pick-free streak, its a tossup. If Eli turns into the Rex Grossman look-a-like that non-Giant fans have come to love, its over in the 2nd quarter. And if Brady is on fire, well, we all know what that looks like.

Ive preached before that every game is decided in the trenches, and that is still certainly true. For the Giants, it is absolutely critical that they win the trench battle on both sides of the ball, they must pressure Brady all day long and protect Eli so he can work his Manning magic. If they lose either battle, they lose the war. My prediction: they lose one of those battles. Now a normal thinking person would say, "That means they lose the game, right?". And they would be right, except that I refuse to accept that the Patriots will win this game. So, Im predicting something crazy happens, a return for TD, a tipped ball picked for 6, a bolt of lightning strikes Brady, and the Giants pull off the miracle. God willing. Giants win 31-30(last second FG? wouldnt that be poetic)

Sirens of the Center Court

Ive never been a big tennis fan, but as an avid ping pong afficianado, I understand and respect the game. Usually, Ill tune in for a little bit of the Grand Slam events in the early rounds and Ill watch some of the later womens matches. MissMet is right, it is a great way to see 17 year-old girls getting hot and sweaty without turning on your computer (or getting another restraining order against you). Now, ever since Anna Kournikova made her splash (what, a decade ago?) people have been looking for the mythical combination of extreme attractiveness and actual skill. No, no, kids, Im not here to tell you we've found her, but merely to give you a quick update on the status of the search. So heres a few quick hits on some of the lovely ladies of the tennis world.

1. Maria Sharpova-Russia

While claiming to be Russian, this leggy blonde has spent most of her 20ish years in Florida learning to play tennis. Whats the statute of limitations on that? I mean she speaks English as well as every other brainless Floridian Ive ever met. Take the plunge Maria, we will welcome you with open arms. Regardless of her origin, Sharapova is probably the closest thing we have to the perfect female tennis player. Solid skills and with a winning track record, she has a real competitive fire that will burn for at least another 5-7 years. Her statuesque form and photogenic smile give her points in the looks category, while grunting gives her street cred.

2. Ana Ivanovic-Serbia

My personal favorite on the tour right now. Saw a bit of her Aussie Open final match vs. Sharapova, very entertaining. In my "research" for this article, I found out she is actually married to some douche with a faux-hawk, so I dont even know if she actually belongs on this list, but the official Straight Up Sports posting rulebook is moot on the issue so Ill let her be.

3. Daniela Hantuchova-Slovakia

Why is it that former Soviet satellite countries dominate the production of hot female tennis players? It may be their inherent superiority in the attractiveness gene(Even Cali girls cant compete with Eastern Europe), or it may be some insidious plan hatched in the 80's by Gorbachev to take back the initiative in the global image competition between the US and USSR after Rocky Balboa's stunning defeat of Ivan Drago. We don't really know, history will have to decide. I will have to say though, I saw some amazingly thin pics of this girl, kinda scary. Women need to understand that anorexia is not very attractive, its ok (preferable even) to have a little junk in the trunk. Speaking of that....

4. Serena Williams-USofA

This one is for the brothers. I'm not a big fan of either Williams sister. Honestly, they kind of scare me. But damned if I haven't met tons of black guys who LOVE this girl. In fact, I just asked my coworkers who was hotter, Venus or Serena. Unanimous decision for Serena, with the comment, "Venus looks like a crackhead". So there you go.

5. Nicole Vaidisova-Czech Republic

This is an up and comer right here. A couple months shy of her 19th birthday, Nicole impressed me at the Aussie Open with good court positioning and a pretty decent pair of legs. She was actually born in Germany, but is claiming Czech citizenship. I dont know what the story is, but I dont blame her, Id rather be from Czech too.

Well, thats all I have for now. But I must stress, this is an incomplete list at best. There are tons of attractive tennis players out there just waiting to be discovered.

Stick with Straight Up Sports for all your hot tennis player breaking news from The Brooklyn Hillbilly and MissMet

Michigan: Do we need it?

So, for as long as I can remember, I've hated all the sports teams from Texas and Ohio. Now, Subway Chatter readers may remember that my Texas feelings have thawed due to Tim Duncan and Tony Romo. But I have maintained my hatred of Ohio at a professional level. I dislike driving through the state, most of the people who live there and how they vote. Now, sadly, circumstances may require me to thaw this relationship as well. Im from West Virginia, and if you are a fan of college sports, you may have heard about our football coach, Rich "ShrivelDick" Rodriguez, pulling a Baltimore Colts-like departure and skipping town (not before making a few recruiting calls for Michigan on his WVU-issued cell phone!) on the sly. Rich has been lamenting lately that the bed he made for himself is not too comfortable, and that got me thinking: What are my long-term plans for hatred of this man and his football program? This defection, coupled with Michigans poaching of our basketball coach, John Belien, last year has gotten me to the point that I will actually be rooting for the Ohio State Buckeyes when they play the Wolverines now. Im not ready to give up on hating Ohio, Chad Johnson and Kellen Winslow will see to that, but damned if I dont hate Michigan now too. Fuck RichRod, fuck Belien, you're cool MSU, fuck Michigan, Im out.
-BH

Conference Championship Round

Brooklyn Hillbilly(who cares-I cant remember-nobody likes ties)

San Diego at NEW ENGLAND(-14)
So where do I begin? Maybe with my utter disappointment in Peyton Manning. Its been a tough year for the Colts, with all the injuries and such, and Peytons team just looked tired at the end of the game. But that doesn't excuse the fact that they LOST TO BILLY VOLEK. Just disgusting.

I cant even tell you how depressed I am at this game. I said last week that I was done watching football for the year, but of course the possibility of the Patriots losing was too much to stay away from. And boy was that fun watching the team of Anti-Christ's go to 17-0. Its similar to watching Hillary Clinton win primaries, painful and debilitating. In fact, the feeling is so similar that I will now refer to them as "The Hillary's".

Now, the Hillary's are looking flawless, there is no doubt about that. The close calls they had earlier in the year look, on reflection, to be more about sloppy execution (dropped balls vs Philly anyone?) than anything that is being done to them. Its hard to predict that the Hildawgs will self destruct in these next three-ish weeks, but a boy can hope.

Now, for the major Hillarys' story of the week: Randy Moss beating some chick up. Now, he claims, "I never hit a woman". Well, lets go ahead and immediately disqualify that FEMALE traffic cop you hit with your car Randy, we know that probably just slipped your mind. Now, good West Virginians will remember the reason you had to come crawling back to Marshall, YOU BEAT UP A CHICK AT FLORIDA STATE!. So, now that we have exonerated Mr. Moss and shown him to be completely truthful in his public statements, we can go on believing everything he says. But wait! Whats this? (from ESPN):"Moss faced misdemeanor charges after a 1996 fight with the mother of his daughter, but they were dropped after both agreed to counseling." Now, I'm no legal eagle like some of the other SC writers, but I'm pretty sure you don't get charged for having a strictly verbal confrontation with your baby momma. Randy, Ill always love ya as a fellow West Virginian, but you always have been a piece of trash and playing for a team like the Hillary's wont help that rep much. Now lets hope for the sake of that poor lady in Florida that Belichick- I mean Hillary- doesn't have her killed like Vince Foster.

Now, you can probably guess by now who I'm rooting for. But I am a realistic fellow at heart, and the Chargers really don't have much of a shot Sunday. Rivers is still sitting at last word, LT will play until he gets knocked out again and Gates, Merriman and Jamal Williams were sitting next to Rivers on the bench eating sunflower seeds yesterday. I suppose Billy "the Miracle" Volek could do something amazing and spark a team of 2nd-stringers to shock the world and beat what is probably the best team ever. But this is real life and shit like that doesn't happen that often, especially to a team like The Hillary's. Our last hope for the defeat of evil resides in Lambeau Field. Pats win 346-14.

Divisional Round

Brooklyn Hillbilly

San Diego at INDIANAPOLIS(-9)
Remember when everyone thought the Chargers were done in the first few weeks of the season? Yeah, well, they pulled a Hillary sized comeback to get themselves into the second round of these here playoffs(and they didnt even have to fake-cry!). Everything Im reading says this is gonna be the best game of the weekend, and Id probably agree. Watching Phillip Rivers throw 3 picks WILL be awesome. Seeing Peyton pull out a victory in the last 4 min WILL be captivating. But the ultimate goal of this game, as everyone knows, is to win without getting anyone important hurt(or any MORE people in the Colts case) so that the victor will be ready to beat the Patriots next weekend. To be honest, this game matters little to me, the whole NFL season has boiled down to one single, tantamount objective: To watch the New England Patriots either lose on the field or have the whole team die in a horrifying tiger attack. My boys are done, Im already looking at the draft charts(OT Michael Oher- you are my guy!) and wondering who the new O coordinator in Pittsburgh will be. So really, this pick is all about which team has a better shot at beating the Pats. Despite the injuries Peytons squad has suffered, I think these guys really do have a chance to beat New England. San Diego cant win with Rivers at QB in a game that big. Thusly, my pick is as follows- Colts win to get a chance at destiny. 24-17


New York Football Giants at DALLAS(-7.5)
Look, all I can hope for with this game is that Romo gets redeemed for last years botched hold, or the same thing happens to Eli. I grew up hating the Cowboys and pretty much everything else from the state of Texas. But over the years, my bias has waned, I met some really cool people from Texas, I admired the San Antonio Spurs organization and Texas gave us the bestest president ever, my pal W (sorry, I meant Connecticut). And yet I still hung onto that Cowboy hatred. But last year, things changed. Tony Romo came into the spotlight and, shockingly, he seemed like a halfway decent guy(breaking new ground for the organization). Just a guy who loves playing football, doesnt take himself too seriously and has some funny jokes for the post-game press conference. Plus the guy is banging hotties that SC writers couldnt get within 100ft of. I just cant hate the guy. Eli however, looking like the retarded younger brother that he is, inspires nothing but spite in me. The rest of his team is good, but this is the NFL baby, and you only go as far as your QB will let you. And just plainly, Romo is better than Eli. Not that this is shocking news or anything but it gives Dallas the edge. Osi and Strahan will be chasing Romo around all evening, but Tonys gonna be the one with the smile on his face at the end of this one. Cowboys win 28-20

Week 17

Brooklyn Hillbilly(20-12-1)

The much anticipated NFC playoff breakdown via the GOP Presidential primary field:
First, the old soldiers Favre and McCain have surprised many with their resiliency despite some apparently fatal flaws (no running game/working with Ted Kennedy on immigration bill). These guys are old pros who know how to close an election and a game, and are both at their best when they run balanced game plans without trying to force the issue. Next up is the star powered offense of Dallas and the totally fake-reputation based campaign of Rudy Giuliani. Both must weather some serious issues in the next couple weeks, with Romo's thumb and Rudy's unpopularity in the early contest states potentially becoming mortal wounds to both organizations. Mitt Romney and Eli Manning have a lot in common, with both unable to decide if they are liberal/conservative or a good QB/bad QB. This flip-floppiness makes supporters of both queasy and gives critics tons of ammunition. Matt Hasselbeck and the Seahawks have done pretty much the same thing to people that Fred Thompson does: put them to sleep. There are some solid fundamentals, with a strong record of conservative voting, lots of name recognition, a solid running game and a QB known for not making a lot of mistakes. I'm going to pair up Mike Huckabee and Tampa Bay here because I think they are both dark horse southern teams(people, whatever) who have been running pretty much mistake-free aerial offensives(very offensive if you are a Mormon). Jeff Garcia and Ed Rollins(Hucks primary adviser) are both old hands under center and know how to call a winning game plan, even if they will be the ones single-handedly dragging their teams to later rounds of the playoffs and primaries. And at last, we have Ron Paul and Minnesota/Washington. This is a great pairing because we don't really know what to expect with these teams or this guy when the voting/playoffs finally start. All could flame out early, or they could make fools out of all the chattering classes of pundits(political and sporting). Conventional wisdom tells us that these QBs cant win in the playoffs, despite the strong running games both posses, and that Ron Paul is too honest(or crazy, take your pick) to win. But both teams have solid Ds and Paul has over $10m to spend. All three still have the ability to affect the picture. On to the game!

Dallas at WASHINGTON(-9)
So, I spent the last week-ish back in West Virginia, soaking in all the Redskins propaganda, and the thing I noticed is how amazed everyone is at Todd Collins. Washington has long been plagued with QBs who cant go 10 minutes without throwing an interception but now they have a guy who just gets shit done. This is a very new experience for Redskins fans, and they seem appropriately thankful. The Giants game aside, Collins has been nothing short of spectacular for the then struggling 'Skins. He pulled them out of a 4-game slide and has put them in the "win and you're in" position for the playoffs. If this wasn't week 17, it would be the game of the week, but alas, Dallas will do the smart thing and keep their stars out of the game. That being said, you still have a team fighting for a playoff spot, redemption for their Alzheimer's-addled head coach and for the memory of a fallen teammate. That should make for good TV. As for the game itself, the 'Skins seem to have found a rhythm and I don't see them deviating from it. Lots of running with dump-outs to Portis and Cooley with an occasional down field shot to Randle El and Moss. As for the Cowboys, I don't even know who their backup QB is. I know that it would take me 2 minutes, tops, to find this out, but I feel like it just doesn't matter. I think you see them run pretty much the same game plan as in previous weeks, maybe a bit more on the ground. We have seen many teams seasons end this year vs spoilers, but in the end, I gotta go with the team that has something to play for. Skins win and they are in. 24-14 (fuck it, they cover)

Week 16

Brooklyn Hillbilly (19-11-1)

This week Im sticking with NFC picks for the same reason I enjoy talking about the GOP presidential race: the AFC and Democratic party are both too close to home and too dysfunctional for me to properly analyze. It is interesting to note the parallels, both have a front-runner who has looked weak in recent weeks(Hill-dawg and the Pats), a strong contender that is nursing some recently inflicted wounds and is ready to explode for a big run in January(Obama/Colts), and a dark horse with solid ground game fundamentals and a populist game plan(Edwards/Jags). Ill bring you the NFC/GOP preview next week. On to the games....

Dallas(-10.5) at CAROLINA
The Thumb. The biggest question facing Dallas for the rest of the year. Now, I didn't watch all of that game, but damn did he look like he was in pain. And from what I understand, the thumb is an integral digit used in throwing a football. If you cant squeeze, you cant throw, and like it or not, this team wins or loses based on that thumb. Maybe they can squeak by Carolina and Washington to finish out the season, but they wont be able to win without Romo in the playoffs. Last time I checked, that's all that matters. The latest news is that Romo is practicing and will start. We will see how well he holds up. His teams future depends on it. As for the TO-Jessica Simpson controversy, I think her absence will mean less than Roy Williams' absence on Saturday for, shocker!, breaking the rule named after him. One day he might learn, but he will have to start next week. The Panthers are in a bad way and should be concentrating on how Matt Moore holds up vs. this defense. Decisions will be made in the off season about coaching, QBs, RBs and the (many) other problem areas on this team, and Moore has a chance to put his name front and center in the QB race for next year. I see the Cowboys winning this one, regardless of how long Romo plays, but if he sulks off the field, I would be sorry I bet on Dallas to cover. Cowboys win 21-14.

Washington at MINNESOTA(-6.5)
This should be a great match up for Sunday night. Minnesota's ground game has become a good bet to grind out significant yardage every week, and Washington's.....is, well,....spirited. Ill confess, I don't know how Washington can win this game, and I still couldn't tell you how they won vs the Giants. Sticking to your game plan and executing is the sort of pap that I normally dismiss, but it works for the Skins. I think they are still playing on an emotional high after losing Sean Taylor and everyone on that team wants to get to the playoffs for him. It is possible for one of these teams to make it, but not both. That is what makes this a potentially fantastic game. It really is crunch time for both teams and they will play accordingly (especially if the Giants lose Sunday afternoon, the Skins will leave everything on the field). Now, the Skins D can handle the Vikings running backs...for about 2.5 quarters. With about 8min left in the 3rd, this game will open up and Adrian Peterson will become even more popular than he is now. I'm not afraid to admit it, I believe the hype. I believed it when he was a freshman at OU and I believe it even more now, this guy has Barry Sanders/Jim Brown potential. But, like every great athlete, he has his Achilles Heel. For some it is painkillers, strippers or dogfighting. For Peterson, it its...his Achilles heel. The man has proven hes fragile, and he must be used efficiently for the Vikings to get into the playoffs and make a run. Luckily for them, they have Chester Taylor to help out. It is only because of these two that Tarvaris Jackson hasn't been completely destroyed this season, and they have given him a chance to develop(as much as he can). At some point, Washington's steam is going to run out, and I think it happens this week. Todd Collins has been doing better than anyone expected, but he alone cant make up for the inherent deficiencies in this team. Skins put up a valiant effort, but fall short. Vikings march toward the playoffs 27-21

Super Special College Football Comment:
Also, Id like to give a shout-out to my boy Rich Rodriguez, for making contract demands of West Virginia, then giving them no time to negotiate or consider the demands because he had already accepted Michigan's offer. A real class act. And on top of that, for thinking about suing the school to not have to pay the $4 million obligation he owes for leaving the school high and dry. You are a piece of shit RichRod(or his new name, courtesy of my brother in law, Shrivel Dick) and you will get yours. I hope this worthless turd never beats Ohio State and is kicked to the curb within 3 years. Go Buckeyes!(starting next year)

Week 15

Brooklyn Hillbilly(18-10-1)

CAUTION: DO NOT USE THESE PICKS FOR GAMBLING PURPOSES
They were not well-researched and were written under duress due to a rapidly approaching deadline! (What makes that different from any other week? Go suck on an egg smart guy)

Jacksonville at PITTSBURGH(-3)
So I'm not going to do my usual evisceration of the Steelers, mainly because I don't really remember most of the game last week. What I do remember vividly is getting burned by the same goddamn trick play we ran in the Super Bowl. I'm not really mad though, we met expectations in that game(and I almost pegged the score exactly). As for this week, thank god we are back at Heinz Field, we don't seem to be able to win anywhere but Pittsburgh. 2-4 on the road is pathetic, and it means that we have to lock up either the 3rd or 4th spot for the playoffs so that we can win in the first round, then lose in Indy/Foxboro. I think this is the Patriots year, and the only teams that can stop them are Indy and Cowboys. A win for the Steelers will go a long way to locking up that #3 seed, and hopefully give them some breathing room in the AFC North(Go Bills!). For the Jags, a win on Sunday is damn near essential if they want to get the 4th seed, and would help them out tremendously in the Wild Card race. There are some legit teams jockeying for playoff position and a slip up now for the Jags could prove fatal to their chances. If (and that's a big if) the field is in halfway decent condition at Heinz, Jacksonville could try to play some long ball, its been somewhat effective vs the Steelers this year, but look for them to try to run. That would be a mistake. The Steelers still have a pretty good D, despite last week, and it is built around stopping the run. I see this being a good game, probably a low-scoring affair, but the Steelers pulling one out of their asses in the end. Steelers win 24-21.

Indianapolis at OAKLAND(+11)
Damn, I need to improve my record, and I cant think of a better way than to bet on Peyton Manning vs. a shitty team. Now is the time for Dungy and co. on the coaching staff to start ironing out the kinks in their team to get ready for the playoffs. This is a good team, nay, a great team and they alone in the AFC have the potential to destroy the Empires-err-the Patriots perfect season. Addai is chugging along nicely and Peyton is Peyton. Lets hope these guys are all healed up in time for their date with destiny in the AFC championship game. I wont tarry upon the Raiders, they blow, real hard, and they will lose this game. I don't even really know what they should do with their top 10 pick next spring, but I would imagine they are missing the deep threat that Randy Moss (sorta) represented. What I do know is that they have a very expensive investment riding the pine, and he wont be getting any experience with his helmet off. Time to play JaMarcus. Indy wins 31-10

Patriots-Steelers Week 14

The Definitive Guide to the Pats-Steelers Game
By The Brooklyn Hillbilly

Pittsburgh at NEW ENGLAND(-10.5)
So I found an interesting tidbit last weekend. The first game of Tom Brady's career was also the first game for the Patriots after 9-11 (Remember when they cancelled a week of football?). Nobody remembers this because nobody was watching Patriots games in September of 2001. Or in December of 2001. Pretty much until the playoffs(Tuck Rule!!!) that year, you could have been forgiven for forgetting that there was a football team that played in Red Sox Nation. Now I'm no conspiracy theorist, but if I was Osama, and I wanted to plant a long-term sleeper cell in America, wouldn't Tom Brady be the perfect undercover terrorist? I mean, hes a California "golden boy", playing for a team called the Patriots and, conspicuously, no one really remembers his college career. I mean HE says he was playing at Michigan, but he very well could have been at a training camp in Afghanistan the entire time, WE JUST DON'T KNOW. And I certainly wouldn't put it past OBL to knock Drew Bledsoe out of that game just so his sleeper agent could get some PT. Needless to say Brady has progressed beyond any terrorists wild dreams. After Brady was invited to the 2003 State of the Union address by my pal W, I was concerned that Brady was already laying the groundwork for a political life after football(Devo can vouch for this, I believe I threw something at the TV). The revelation that Brady is an Al-Qaeda sleeper agent only confirms my suspicions and makes this weekends game all that more important. If the Patriots go undefeated, he will be that much harder to stop once hes running for President in 2024. It is your duty as patriotic Americans to stop this threat before it emerges and root against the Patriots on Sunday.

Global politics aside, this should be a good game. I say shouldbecause the Steelers can easily blow this game if they play the way they have over the past few weeks. Big Ben's sticky hands and his offensive lines' turnstile method of blocking could put this game away for the Pats in the 1st half, especially if Willie Parker is squirting the ball all over the place again this week. To put it plainly, this team is not as good as its 9-3 record. The Steelers have beaten a grand total of two teams with winning records. Every area of the team needs improvement from the sloppy tackling to the play calling. There is already a large contingent of Steeler nation that is agitating for a change at offensive coordinator, and with good reason. Bruce Arians has shown an amazing ability to make inexplicably inappropriate calls in big situations. Draws on 3rd & long and sloppy screen passes to the slower of our RBs will not cut it in the playoffs, and indeed in the biggest game of the year this Sunday. To me, Mike Tomlin has been somewhat of a disappointment. Perhaps I had gotten too used to Bill Cowhers fireworks on the sideline, but Tomlin seems to show little emotion during the game, and also doesn't really seem to do anything during the games. Every time the camera cuts to him on the sideline, they never seem to catch him in conversation with one of the players, or discussing plays with an assistant coach. Hes always standing by himself, hands on hips, just watching the game. Now, I'm almost certainly wrong to say he doesn't do anything, b ut as everyone whose ever worked in politics or any other menial job will tell you, appearances matter. You don't ever want to get caught looking like you don't have anything to do. And further, a team like the Steelers, which prides itself on its physicality and passion for the game, would seem to deserve a coach who is running around screaming at people. But again, maybe Id just gotten used to Cowher. On the defensive side of the ball, the Steelers have looked in turn "Steel Curtain"-ish and utterly befuddled. What can be said about Tomlin is that he really has kept this as one of the most physical teams in the NFL. No team plays the Steelers and leaves without a few bruises. They may play too much cushion on coverage or miss arm tackles at the line of scrimmage, but damned if Anthony Smith isn"t gonna lay a smack on you if you run across the middle. Speaking of Anthony Smith, the guy just warms my heart. Not only is the precocious lil youngster a beast on the field (Sean Taylor-esque), but he obviously rode the short bus to school because his guarantee of a win in this game was probably the silliest thing Ive ever heard. Even his own teammates laughed at him after they heard what he said, but I have a feeling the Patriots aren't laughing. In fact, Devo, Mahatma and I's old roommate texted me immediately after the pronouncement to accuse "the steelers" of having no class for guaranteeing a win. Leave it to Pats fans to get offended over a 5-game starter's obviously retarded flippant comment. But that brings us to the Patriots....

There has been far too much ink wasted in the last 2 weeks on how the Patriots look "old and tired". Certainly their LB corps is a little grayer than most, but they are also much wiser than most. As much as I despise this team, I have to give them the props that they deserve: In the first 11 weeks of the season, this was the best team in the history of the NFL. BUTTTTTTTTTTT......the first 11 weeks don't mean shit in week 12, 13, 14, 15 or 16. Every Sunday is a new game and they still have to play them. Now there are few coaches in history that do a better job of preparing their teams on a week-by-week basis (how could he not, with that gigantic video library;) and keeping them focused on the "one game at a time" mantra that successful teams follow. But you have to think that its hard to keep up every week. I think a little bit, just a tiny bit of ego seeped into the Pats locker room the last two weeks that led them to give Philly and Baltimore a chance. That and the fact that Mahatma and I could complete inside slant passes on NEs secondary will get the Pats pumped up to make a big statement by blowing out the Steelers. In fact, the real culprit in the Philly game was dropped balls. I only watched the second half, but many of NE drives ended with WRs consecutively dropping catchable balls. It was all of them, Welker, Moss, Watson, etc. I think they improved last week in this regard, hopefully not too much though. Ive always like Randy Moss(fellow West Virginian) and this year has been hard for me to watch. Suffice it to say, Moss is making Brady look even better than he really is. If he does it again Sunday, well I suppose I will sit back and enjoy the show(then fall off my barstool from the massive amount of alcohol Mahatma will make me consume). Anyway, on to the game...

The major key for the Steelers Sunday will be to stick to their game plan and not panic. Pittsburgh has to force its game on NE by using the inside routes that Philly uncovered and to get the ball outside where speed (thy names are Santonio[biggest question mark of the game for the Steelers, they NEED him to play] and Willie) can beat tackling. The major key to this game is for Ben to hold the ball no longer than 3 seconds in the pocket. If he gets happy feet, fine, he can throw on the run(in fact, might be the best in NFL at it), but he can not take sacks all day. And don't think The Hoodie-d One doesn't know this. He also knows that Pittburgh's O-line is pretty much garbage, so look to see lots of pressure and outside blitzing to keep Ben hemmed in. A quick, short-medium range passing attack, which will give Parker running room, is key for the Steelers to have a chance in this game. On the flip-side, Brady should be able to find a few long balls down field to Moss, but he will have to be careful, as the Steelers secondary is deceptively fast and talented. They will fuck up 2 out of 3 plays then pick off the 3rd. Really, what can you say about the Patriots offense? They just need to play their game and not turn over the ball to win this game. The Steelers HAVE TO GET PRESSURE ON BRADY to have a shot. This will be hard, since the Steelers are not very good at getting to QBs anymore, despite the stats. If they can make things uncomfortable for Brady, and literally beat the shit out of Pats WRs in the first 5yds of every play, they may force the Pats to run more. This is much easier for the Steelers to stop, with Casey Hampton doing a decent job in the middle of the line and James Farrior seeming to come up with big tackles in run defense. Troy Polamalu will be needed here as well (the second of Pittsburghs big 3 injuries, with the 3rd being LT Marvel Smith) to help stop the run, even though he has been in coverage more this year.

So, time for the prediction. Looking objectively at this game, 10.5 pts is probably not enough points to give Pittsburgh. The Steelers have shown fatal flaws in recent weeks, whereas the Pats have only hinted at inconsistencies. This is NEs game to lose, if they execute their game plan, it will be a long evening for me, Mahatma and the Justins at Public House. But if Pittsburgh can play close to a perfect game, they can make this a watchable game. From what Ive seen this year, the Steelers cant do it. New England wins 35-14

Week 14

Brooklyn Hillbilly

Ok, so I forgot what the second game I was supposed to preview was, so Ill give you a few quick hits on some of the more august matchups this week and an extended discourse on why the Steelers could beat the Patriots/lose by 30 to the Patriots.

Miami at BUFFALO(-7.5)
Dolphins are smart animals, but they are not good football players. Watch to see them flail around helplessly as the Bill run all over them. And no, they are probably not going to win a game this year. In the words of Nelson Muntz-"ha-ha" Joey Porter. Bills win 24-10

Cleveland at NEW YORK JETS(+3.5)
Sorry Jets fans, the Browns are good, and last I checked yall don't have a good record vs. good teams. That will not change this week as the Browns win again and continue to frighten me, probably for years to come. Browns rub Jets faces in it 31-13

St Louis at CINCINATTI(-6.5)
I dont see how you can give that kind of spread to a team as bad as the Bengals, even if they are playing another shitty team. This game really should be just a toss-up. I guess I just hate the Bengals enough to pick against them again. Rams win 17-13

Week 13

The Brooklyn Hillbilly(14-8-1)

Buffalo at WASHINGTON(-5.5)
So I'm watching the Sportscenter that came on right after the Boys-Pack game last night(because Time Warner Cable is so supercoolawesome, they decided for me that I didn't want the NFL network, and they didn't even have to ask me! Thanks Big Brother!!!), and they had a moment of silence for Sean Taylor before showing the highlights of the game. Now, I'm as sentimental as the next guy, and the moment is totally appropriate for all the games this week, but are highlights important enough to justify a moment of silence? I need some guidance on this, wheres Bill O'Reilly to tell me what I think when I need him?

A horrible tragedy for the Redskins and Sean Taylor's family, nothing you can really say. My heart and prayers go out to them. My buddies from back home are uniformly depressed by the situation. This team has been underachieving for the past few years and losing one of your stars of the future only makes things worse. It can pretty much be said that Gibbs II has been a flop, despite a team with a decent amount of talent. I hate to say it, but Bill Simmons is right, coaches decline in effectiveness after age 55. Gibbs just cant keep up with the modern NFL. The Skins need to follow the Steelers lead and hire a tough, young, defensive-minded coach who will run the ball and let Jason Campbell manage games. They need to return to the mentality of their "Hog" days with tenacious D and a grind it out offensive line/backfield. As for their strategy of getting small quick wide outs who drop balls and get lit up, Ill let the staff of Lids in Union Station in Washington, D.C. sum it up: "We needs some tall niggaz to catch them deep balls. Santana cant do it all by hisself. Randle was good in Pittsburgh, I thought he would be good here. He needs to do sumpin". Couldn't agree more fellas.

As for Sundays game vs. Buffalo, you gotta think this game is over before it begins. The Skins will be fired up and playin with a lot of emotion with them. Plus they are better than the Bills, which helps you win games, sometimes(see below). The Bills are hurting, literally, and Trent Edwards gets another start. Here's to experience, cheers! Skins win 24-13



Cincinnati at PITTSBURGH(-7.5)
What can I say about the Steelers that wont get me put on any violent person watch lists? Well, I'm on a few already, so fuck it. The Pittsburgh Steelers are getting worse as a football team, and there is very little time to correct course. The only thing worse than the O-line this year has been the play calling. For a few weeks, I blamed the line and the o-coord for Ben's occasional fuck ups, but its become clear in the last two games that he is having trouble with the "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET SACKED, THROW THE FUCKING BALL AWAY' concept that is essential for QBs to master in the NFL. I wont dwell on the field conditions at Heinz on Monday night other than to say, we looked like a high school program from the front office to the pathetic showing we made on the field. Just utterly embarrassing. I was the guy who in Week 5 or 6 said we could hang with the Patriots. Now, I hope we don't lose by more than 28pts. This is the time where Mike Tomlin needs to put his imprint on this organization and give the team a kick in the ass and thorough dressing down. The Steelers are only 1 game up on the Browns and have to get their shit together. NOW. The Bengals are, well, nothing has changed with them. They still suck and I still hate them. I'm just looking forward to Chad Johnson's twice-a-season choke job Sunday night. While this is harder than usual, I say Steelers win 28-14.

Week 12

Miami at PITTSBURGH(-16.5)
Fair warning- I'm going to use most of this pick to bitch about the 12-Couric dump the Steelers took in the Meadowlands on Sunday. The culprits? Our Fab Five, the 1-AA offensive line that protects(sometimes) our QB. Seriously, I could find 5 homeless men beggin for change outside of the West 4th stop who would do a better job than these asshats. But i wont put all of it on them, our D forgot how to tackle and how to cover dump routes. And also, since when do the Jets get to take 4 timeouts in the first half? I'm getting worked up, and truthfully, I'm only going to end up saying this is somehow Tom Bradys fault and that he should be shot. Miami sucks and if the Steelers cant beat them, well, fuck it, we should be relegated to college ball. Steelers win and cover 35-7

Indianapolis(-13) at ATLANTA
Heres the game that everyone was hyped for, but due to injuries and other temporary setbacks(you know, like prison) has been relegated to the scrap heap. This should be a good opportunity for Peyton to get back up on the horse so I don't have to rely on Chester Taylor and TO scoring career days to win at FF. Despite all the injuries the Colts have suffered, this is still a good team and will be back to form in a couple weeks. The Falcons, are, well, the Falcons, so don't expect too much of a fight from them. Colts win 24-10

Week 11

Brooklyn Hillbilly (11-8-1)

Carolina at GREEN BAY(-9.5)
The leagues 4th-best QB(Big Ben took over spot #3 after the Cleveland game) takes the field this Sunday after blowing up expectations throughout the year. This team has thrived on a fairly soft schedule with no names in the backfield. These guys prove how weak the NFC is. Much more importantly, we have the potential to see the oldest QB match up in the history of the league. This will give wise-asses everywhere an unparalleled opportunity to make cialis, viagra, alzheimers(sp?) and hip replacement jokes at the same time. We may see the largest volume of bad jokes since the last Manning Bowl. Be prepared. But seriously, about the Panthers. Wow. What. A. Mess. They are at the point where they have to start the QB who doesn't pass out at practice today. Truthfully, I'm tired of these guys letting me down. And I'm grateful that they are playing someone who I know can take them to the woodshed. Coach Fox, you can go ahead start cleaning out your things to make room for Coach Cowher. Packers dominate 31-7


Oakland at MINNESOTA (-5)
I'm not gonna lie, this is like the 4th or 5th time all season Ive deigned to give attention to the Raiders. They are bad, I can tell that much from the stats and standings. But whats new about that? The feeling in sportswriter world is that its time for JaMarcus Russell to get his first taste of the NFL. I cant disagree, the season is over, you've already signed this guy to a contract that's worth $10m more than the deal Tony Romo just signed. I say its time for Al Davis to see what a mistake he made in drafting Russell over Brady Quinn or Calvin Johnson. I wont open that whole can of worms, but suffice to say that 1 great game should not make you a #1 pick. Besides, the Raiders still might get a shot at a Cleveland QB this off season. Anyway, back to the game at hand. The big number I see here is the 144.2 yds/game that the Raiders are giving up on the ground. Even without Adrian Peterson, the Vikings will take advantage of this. My man Chester Taylor may have a big day, though I should be way beyond predicting big days for my shitty fantasy RBs. Even with Tarvaris Jackson under center, I think the Vikes cover. North Atlantic Pillagers beat North American Pirates 21-13

Week 10

Brooklyn Hillbilly (11-6-1)

Detroit(+1) at Arizona
Jon "Christian Soldier" Kitna is marching his team off to war. These guys qualify for "hot" in the NFC right now, after dismantling Denver last week and the Bears the week before. The D even looked good in those two games, though they were playing sub-par QBs. By the way, atta-boy Jay Cutler, way to make it on South Park. And they didnt even make a gerbil crawl up his ass or have him ripped apart by mountain lions-yet. Anyway, back to the desert. Ken Whisenhunt inherited a perennial underachiever and he making sure nothing changes in Tempe. These guys have turned back into the shitty football team they really are. Its damn near impossible to win with the running game they have. I dont know, nor do I care who is playing QB for them this week (Im assuming its still Warner), they are gonna lay a cardinal sized egg right at midfield and Detroit gets another W. Lions win 28-10

Falcons at Panthers
So what is wrong with the Panthers? It seems every year there is one position they lose everyone at. Well, this year it is a rather important one. The Panthers could start Vinny Testes-verde(a lovely Mexican dish) or rookie Matt Moore, who failed in his first impression last week. This is a sick and sad team, but they are still in shouting distance of the playoffs(NFC sucks). Luckily they are playing an even shittier team in the Falcons, who I wont even bother to break down other than to say that their win vs San Francisco last week was a big deal(sad, isnt it?). Defense and a ok running game from Warrick Dunn will keep this one relatively close, but my Panthers will win. Panthers 17-13.

Week 9

Brooklyn Hillbilly (10-5-1)

Chargers(-7) at Minny
Have fun San Diego, this is the last shitty team you are gonna play for awhile. And Brad Childress, you should keep your mouth shut because Jeff George probably could help your team. I never thought I would say that, but damn do they need a QB. It is nice that the Chargers woke up after sleeping late into the first few weeks of the season. The wake-up came in the form of a revitalized rushing attack and pretty much not letting Philip Rivers fuck things up. They may have to put the ball back in Rivers' hands this week however, as the Vikings are imitating a schizophrenic with their tough run D and porous pass D. Im still pissed off that they couldnt pull out a victory against the Iggles. Im done sticking up for Minnesota. Chargers win 24-9.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh(-9)
Well, I guess the guys in Vegas have about as much respect for the Ravens as I do. I don't care how good your run D is. I don't care what your overall D is ranked if your QB is named Steve McNair. He sucks, he has always sucked and will always suck. The most undeserving recipient of the MVP award in the NFL. Now that that has been said, this will be a good test for the Stillers. The shit birds will challenge Ben to control the game, picking his spots to strike. Willie still has an abysmal record vs the Ravens, but I expect him to gain more than his previous best of 68 or so yards. Overall, I see the Ravens playing to form on Monday night, as in scoring 1 TD and giving up 3 to a Big Ben with a hot hand. Toss in a FG and its a game. Steelers roll 21-10 (Ill say they cover, but dont get pissed when they dont)

Week 8

BROOKLYN HILLBILLY (9-4-1)

No long speeches today kids, these are gonna be short to allow the Hillbilly a chance to congregate with fellow Red Sox fans across the mighty East River in Manhattan for Game 2 of the World Series.

Philadelphia at Minnesota(+1):
These are always the worst games to pick, two underachievers who have shown a few flashes of brilliance but overall just stunk up the field. I think the dream is over in Philly, they are a middling team in a good division, and that's never good for morale (until the last few weeks of the season, where they could be a spoiler). The team has talent, but they cant pull out the Ws. The Vikings aren't as good, but at home I like them to make this a good game. Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor will rack up some yards in this game and Kelly Holcomb will be not disastrous. I think that's enough to win. Vikings win 17-14

Green Bay(+3) at Denver:
Frankly, I'm still smarting over Denver's last game. I had to endure 2 phone calls from my Bronco-fan brother about how much Big Ben sucks. And you could have made that case in the first half (the whole Pitt team looked like shit in the 1st half), but he got his shit together for the 2nd half. I just wish we could find 5 guys willing to work together to be the Steelers O-line. But I digress. Cutler and the Donkeys looked good enough to take advantage of a lazy, unorganized Steeler team for 2 quarters, but only good enough to hang on in the second half. Without Jason Elam, this team is close to a top 5 draft pick next April. Things aren't getting easier for them either. This week it is Favre and the Packers coming to town, just in time to help everyone forget the Rockies got swept in the World Series. Ive mentioned the fact that GB has no running game, but apparently that doesn't matter anymore. Denvers pass D will slow Favre, but eventually snap under the pressure. I see the Donkeys making a valiant effort but falling short. Packers win 28-21

Week 7

Pittsburgh (-4) at DENVER
Growing up in a split Denver(Mom, brother and sister)/Pittsburgh(Dad) household made for interesting times every couple of years. Being a future politician, I usually went with the hot team and scored some points with the appropriate parent. But I vividly remember the last time I rooted for the Broncos over the Steelers. It was the '97 playoffs and John Elway(still a god to me) was trying to make it back to the Super Bowl to avenge the 3 excruciating previous trips. Elway finally had a running game to go with the best arm ever seen north of the Everglades. I knew he could go all the way and made my choice to cheer for the Broncos. Up til then, my father had tolerated my occasional defections to the Donkeys, but by this time, I was a teenager and responsible for my decisions. Needless to say, it was a frosty week before the game and a much more uncomfortable 3 hours in front of the TV. It was a crushing loss at Three Rivers for the Steelers, who had visions of avenging their own, more recent trip to the Super Bowl. After the Broncos won two straight Super Bowls and John Elway retired(my mom cried while we watched it on TV), I decided it was time to grow up and make a decision. And truthfully, it was an easy one to make. I have since earned the wrath of my brother on Steeler-Bronco gamedays. The choices we make.
But enough about me....
The Steelers have not done well in the regular season against the Broncos at Mile High...er...whatever its called these days. But the Steelers won there during their magical run to the Super Bowl two years ago. I think the Steelers will be able to handle the thin air in Denver because they bring their deepest team in years, plus they get back Santonio Holmes, Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu this week. Willie Parker will be able to get rest as Najeh Davenport gets a chance to gash the worst run D in the NFL. Big Ben will encounter stiff resistence in the passing game, but look for Holmes to have 1-2 big catches when lined up vs. Dre Bly. I also expect Heath Miller to get a couple of red zone chances for a TD. As Ive said before, every game is decided in the trenches, and despite a sometimes shaky O-line, the Steelers will win the battle on both sides of the ball. The Steelers D is looking like the old Steel Curtain; they have the lowest points against total since the 1930s through 5 games, better than all 4 SB teams from the 70s. Now, they havent played the best opponents, but the Steelers I know and love would have shat the bed against one of these less than worthy teams and given up a ton of points and yards. This D is good, and (Caution: Outrageous claim alert!) I think good enough to compete with the Patriots. As for the Broncos, well, what can you say. Cutler still looks lost at times, and it wont get better with his best reciever, Javon Walker, out for the forseeable future. Travis Henry has been ok, but he wont be able to find room to run Sunday night. Right now, this is a battle of a team on its way up vs. one on its way down. Maybe the Broncos can pull out of this tailspin, but it wont be this week. Pittsburgh wins 24-10



Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE
Boy, Im tempting fate by picking two road favorites this week. And after my novel above, I will keep this one mercifully short. This looks to be a good game, pitting the machine that is Peyton Manning, with a healthy Marvin Harrison, vs a very good Jacksonville D. These are both very solid teams, with QBs who are on top of their game. But Jacksonville has not been able to put up big numbers where it counts, on the scoreboard. I see a close game, but the Jags not able to overcome the fireworks of the Colts passing attack. Indy wins 31-24

Week 6

Carolina at Arizona(-5)
My favorite story of the week: VINNY'S BACK! After being plucked off of a used car lot on Rt. 4 near Teaneck, NJ, Vinny Testaverde may just be the starting QB for the Carolina Panthers this Sunday. The 44 year old seasoned veteran replaces Jake Delhomme, who is injured, and David Carr, who is bad and injured. This will be a hard game for Vinny to win because of Carolina's banged up D, which cant seem to get any pressure on opposing QBs, with only 2 sacks and 2 ints so far this year. That is a recipe for disaster against a wily veteran like Kurt Warner, who is primed to slice the Panthers up with his arm and Edge's legs. Usually the only bandwagon that starts for the Cardinals is in the preseason, but this year they look like they are ready for a playoff run. All this is because Whisenhunt and Grimm have a good solid Pittsburgh background, where they learned to win. I think this team is on a roll and the Panthers can't stop 'em. CARDINALS 31-13

Washington(+3) at Green Bay
Dan Snyder must be a happy man right now. The team he has been trying to buy for the last 8 years finally arrived. Antwaan Randle-El has put up big numbers the last few weeks and Jason Campbell has turned into the new love affair of sportswriters. The Skins have an effective ground game and a suffocating D, but they still toil in the shadow of the Cowboys in this division. Luckily for them, they still have 2 chances to prove they are a better team than Dallas. But this week they meet a formerly red-hot Brett Favre who reverted to the form of the last few years at Lambeau last Sunday night. I don't think the Packers are as good as their record, Favre is the only thing keeping them afloat. I see Washington running all over the Packers, no matter who starts, and Campbell doing an efficient job of moving the chains. Its hard to bet against Favre, in Lambeau, a week after a home loss, but hes go no running game to take some weight off his shoulders. That doesn't work well against a D like Washingtons. Plus I think I still have the best record on the site, so fuck it. REDSKINS 21-7

Week 5

So I have to be honest, I picked the two shittiest games of the week because I wanted to continue my slide in picking games. I feel that it would be detrimental for the Subway Chatter experience if I continued to kick everyones asses in NFL picks. Thus, I pick two games I know nothing about. People may applaud my modesty and unselfishness, but knowing that I took 2 for the team is satisfaction enough for me. On to the picks...

JAX at KC:
Did everyone else have a sneaking suspicion that the Chiefs were gonna blow this year while watching Hard Knocks? Maybe it was the two D-linemen who couldnt remember the names of the various defensive schemes going into the last week of preseason. Maybe it was Brodie Croyle throwing to his recievers 5yds short. I dont know, Im not a doctor. But I do know this, despite stinking up my TV screen this summer, the Chiefs have rolled to two wins in a row. Much of the credit goes to a stingy D and to Damon Huard, for not throwing 4 picks a game. Rookie Dwayne Bowe is wowing people who thought JaMarcus Russell was the reason for LSUs success, and Larry Johnson is possibly, finally starting to get in gear. But the D is where its at for KC, and is the primary reason they are at .500 and still in contention for the AFC West crown. And what do you know, the Jags could say the same shit about their team. Although blessed with a better(for now) QB in David Garrard, I cant help but think that the Jags are paper cats. The D is good, and Garrard has been mistake-free so far, but I have nearly the same hatred for Florida teams as I do for Texas teams, so Im in a bind. This game will all come down to which QB breaks down first, and the edge has to go to Garrard and the Jags. Look for Huard to throw a few picks and Herm to panic and throw in Brodie Croyle, who will hhave one great drive then throw the pick that ends the game. This'll be a close one, and the Jags will cover.
JAX 17-14

MIAMI AT HOUSTON:
So I'm reading all about this game and everyone is talking about Miamis terrible run D. While this is evidently true(199yds/game and Justin "Ive only ever seen you as a third-stringer in Madden" Fargas got 179 last week), Rome was not built in a day and you don't get to 0-4 just with shitty run D. The whole QB situation hasn't gotten any better in Miami despite the addition of Trent Green, who for some reason hasn't morphed into Dan Marino. It seems like the whole Miami organization is still reeling from the Nick Saban experience and the Ted Ginn pick, like a sexual assault victim, sitting in the shower with their clothes on, rocking back and forth and muttering to themselves. This team is just not playing well and don't seem like they are going to be able to pull themselves out of the tailspin they are in. They certainly wont get any help by going on the road to Houston. I should mention that Ronnie Brown is finally producing at the rate everyone thought he would coming out of Auburn, and he also saved my ass in fantasy with his 44 pt performance a few weeks ago. The question is, what happened with Cadillac? Back to this game and the other team, the Houston Texans. Any other week Id say this team is toast, with their top two weapons out of the game and already on a two-game skid, but somehow, Matt Schaub is finding guys to throw to. Ron Dayne or an injured Ahman Green, whoever decides to play RB today, need to score TDs for the Texans to win this game after being stopped twice inside the 1yd line last week. The bright spot on D for the Texans has been the vindication of Mario Williams, evidently because Reggie Bush sucks now. Everything is either hot or cold for the football media, both of these guys are going to be good, and anyone with a brain knows it. Other than that, Houston's D hasn't had much to talk about. As I said in my earlier pick, this will be a shitty game, thats why I picked it. Even with Andre Johnson and probably Ahman Green out, I think the Houston St. Texans win this one by a couple. TEXANS WIN 24-13

Week 4

Chicago at Detroit:
Ding-dong the Rex is dead! The formerly frightened Bears fans flood the streets in happiness and joy, then they realize the Brian Griese is now their quarterback. Dont get me wrong, Griese will be an improvement, but not the huge leap forward that the keilbasa-ingesting fanatics camping out at Soldier Field right now hope him to be. The best Griese can do is to make some room to allow Cedric Benson to finally start producing for my fantasy...for the Bears offense. But this will be a hard game for the Bears to win against the offensive juggernaut that is the Detroit Lions. Well, at least Kitna and his boys. The one-dimensional attack of the Lions will be hard for the injury-ravaged Chicago secondary to stop, with Peanut and Vasher out. If these guys were playing, I would easily pick Chicago to end Detroits Cinderfella story. But this game, like every other game in the history of the NFL, will be decided in the trenches, where the Bears may be missing two more critical players on D, Tommie Harris and Lance Briggs. I dont see much coming out of Detrot on the ground, but they really can hurt Chicago through the air. This will be one of the closer games of the week. Im not ready to call Detroit a good team, so I gotta take Chicago in a squeaker.
BEARS 21-20 (They wont cover)


Pittsburgh at Arizona
Well, things look rosy in the 'burgh these days. We have the best RB in football, a practically mistake-free QB, and maybe the most-explosive player in the NFL (Holmes). I am confident enough in this team that Im at the point where I can get stupid drunk during the first half of the game and not worry that I am going to miss an exciting second half. In fact, because Mahatma (and last week Devo) keep dragging me back to the same bar with the $30 all you can drink special, I really cant remember the second half of any of the Steelers' games so far this year. And thats ok with me. But this week we turn to face our past in Arizona, where Ken Wisenhunt and Russ Grimm are trying to prove that the Rooneys made a mistake in hiring Mike Tomlin instead of their chapped white asses. I dont see it happening. The Cardinals are on their way up(and have been for the last 4 years), but its going to take a lot more than what they have to stop the Steelers steamroller. Matt Leinart and Kurt Warner may be sharing snaps this Sunday, and Ill bet both of them are going to have equally shitty stats. Edge James is they only guy who could win this game for 'zona, but wont be able to because hes the only guy who can win the game for them and thus will be boxed in by the Steelers so far impenetrable D. I did want to address something that was said in the Daily News about Matt Leinart( and in the fine journalistic traditions of subway chatter, I cant remember who said it or which day of this week it was). This columnist said something to the effect that Arizona is 1-2 because Matt Leinart has an enormous ego and doesnt take football seriously. Well, maybe all the embarassing Leinart articles are getting buried by the liberal media establishment, or the conservative media establishment for that matter, but I havent heard one thing about Leinart staying out too late or being a bad student during training camp, or fighting dogs or punching strippers. So, unnamed Daily News correspondent, dont impugn the character of this guy unless you have proof that hes missing practice because hes having a three-way with LiLo and Paris. All that being said, Leinart is still gonna lose this game, and badly. STEELERS 31-13 (The 'burgh will cover)

Week 3

DAL AT CHI
I spent last football season in the wonderful city of Chicago, and I remember the first game of the season vividly. I was stumbling around, unemployed, low on cash and cigarettes and wondering why it was so cold in September. I found one of the top 5 dive bars in America, complete with salty old Chicagoans telling Puerto Rican jokes. When Rex Grossman heaved a pass 60 yards downfield to Bernard Berrian, people were simultaneously befuddled at the offensive explosion and overjoyed at the result. The whole city was stunned/elated for most of the season at the ups and downs of their QB, wondering if he would ever become consistent and what had happened to their slow, plodding, ineffectual offense. Well, its back, along with the shitty version of Grossman. Rex is bad, and everyone but Lovie Smith seems to know it. The Bears missed numerous opportunities to upgrade at QB in the spring, and even a couple at the end of the summer. This team will only go as far as Grossman will let them. Just like last year, the Bears D is formidable, but you have to think the extraordinary luck they relied on to get them out of Grossman's jams will have to run out soon. Cedric Benson has to get better, and will get better, but this week against the Cowpokes will be a test he may not pass. Now to the Cowboys. For as much as I hate them and everything they stand for, including the state of Texas, these guys are for real. We may be looking at the best team in the NFC. Tony Romo has obviously put the bobbled hold in last years playoffs behind him for good, and is scoring at a Manning-esque pace. Put that with a non-suicidal, non-distraction causing TO and Marion Barber IVXC getting it done, this is a solid team all around. Ugh, I dont like talking about how good the Cowboys are, so Im just going to pick them. DALLAS WINS 28-20

San Diego at Green Bay:
Everyone knew the first two games of the year would be tough for the Chargers, but few expected that LT(sorry Lawrence, you give up your nickname when you turn into a crackhead) would still be waiting to break the 100yd barrier for the year. Thats right, 68 rushing yards for the guy everyone thought would get 2,000yds, 40 TDs and single-handedly solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I hate to be cliched, but you have to think LT will bust out in one of these first few games, and this may be the one. Green Bay has been flashing some very good D in the first few weeks, and Favre was hitting his targets last week, but this is not a good team. Rookie RB Jackson has yet to get in a rhythm, and will have a hard time doing so against Jamal Williams and the Fat Boys up front. When it comes down to it, this is a classic game between an over-achiever(Green Bay) and an underacheiver(San Diego). I think despite the fact the Charger players havent adapted to Norv Turner, they will pull out a squeaker at Lambeau. CHARGERS 21-17

Week 2

BUF AT PIT:
Talk about a tale of two cities in Week 1. Pittsburgh exploded out of the gate, leaving me wondering by the middle of the first quarter if the Steelers are that good or the Browns that bad. Ben returned to the form of his first two seasons, and hopefully put last year behind him. Willie Parker flashed the talent that will get him to 1700 yards and 15 TDs. The D suffocated a totally over matched Browns O-line and broke Charlie Fryes spirit so completely that he was sent to the bench in the 2nd quarter and to Seattle hours later. On the opposite side of the spectrum is the Buffalo Bills. What can you really say that I didn't say last week about this team entering the season. Add a catastrophic injury to, by all accounts, a well-liked team player, and you either think they are gonna go 15-0 or 0-15 from here. The Bills were bad in Week 1, but I cant discount the possibility of a "Win one for the Gipper"effect taking over the game. This is a perfect opportunity for JP Losman to take control of this team and make a run. Buuuuutttttt........its still the Bills, and they suck, so I'm taking the Steelers. STEELERS 24-10 (Take the under as well, Pittsburgh will only score enough to win, and the Bills won't find much room to run or pass.)


WAS AT PHI
The battle of the RBs begins Monday night in Philly. This will be a prototypical NFC East game, sloppy, turnovers galore, befuddled QBs staring glumly at the Jumbotron as they slink off the field, and unruly fans. God I hate this division. McNabb needs to realize that his window of opportunity is closing fast. He is not the QB he once was, but he is still capable of winning games by himself. Thankfully, he doesn't need to these days because of Brian Westbrook, who, I was told is the most underrated RB in the league about 40,000 times during the preseason. DC has their own formidable rushing attack, where Ladell Betts may have given Clinton Portis another year or two as a high-caliber back. Jason Campbell is still the weak link there. All my buddies who are skins fans have been trying to talk me into this guy since he got drafted, but if coaches shared that opinion, why has Mark Brunell been the starter here for the last few years? Campbell needs to wow me before ill get on the Skins bandwagon, but I see Portis/Betts out running Westbrook this week, and that will be enough. WASHINGTON 17-14

Week 1

The Brooklyn Hillbilly

Week 1 Picks:

Denver at Buffalo: I have to make a disclaimer; I was raised in a 50% Bronco household, yet I somehow managed to stay a football fan after 3 fruitless trips to the Super Bowl. John Elway is still a god to me, and Im glad Jake Plummer is done sullying the legacy of Denver quarterbacks. Now its Jay Cutlers turn to be the biggest disappointment outside of Tom Tancredos presidential campaign in the great Rocky Mountains. With the revolving door at RB temporarily wedged closed for Travis “Ladies Man” Henry, Cutler has a chance to blossom into a franchise QB, but we may be getting ahead of ourselves. Cutler and Henry can carry the offense, and with the addition of Dre Bly, Denvers defense looks ready to cause trouble. Speaking of fruitless trips to the Super Bowl, I have nothing but sympathy for Bills fans. You lose, well, lets be honest, most of your top-flight talent in the offseason, and what do you do? You go out and buy linemen like some spoiled brat on “My Super Sweet 16” buying SUVs. “OOH-That one looks nice, and I don’t care how much he costs!” Nothing like overpaying for talent, oh, except overpaying for mediocre talent. J.P. Loserman and company are set up for another dismal season despite having a very decent draft. Until the rookies break through and make their impression felt, I gotta take Denver. DENVER 28-13



Carolina at St. Louis: This reckons to be a good matchup of teams that are struggling to regain their form of a few years ago. St. Louis, aside from being the home of the nastiest strip clubs Ive ever been to, has a solid quarterback with flashes of brilliance and one of the baddest backs in the league. Sounds like a good formula, no? They may be able to pull out a victory in Week 1 if their D is able to stop the two-back attack of Carolina. Foster looks like he will still be top dog, at least for the first few weeks, but Williams will make his move and unseat the vet at some point, early in the year, I hope. Jake Delhomme still has Steve Smith to throw to, but without someone to threaten the other side of the field, look for the Rams to cover Smith like the paparazzi on a Paris Hilton court hearing (I know, way outdated, but Im not here for laughs. Im the surly, bitter one). Someone, be it Drew Bennett or Dwayne Jarrett, has to step up and be the surprise for the Panthers this year. Even with a potentially explosive offense, I see this one getting by the Rams. CAROLINA 24-20