Sirens of the Center Court

Ive never been a big tennis fan, but as an avid ping pong afficianado, I understand and respect the game. Usually, Ill tune in for a little bit of the Grand Slam events in the early rounds and Ill watch some of the later womens matches. MissMet is right, it is a great way to see 17 year-old girls getting hot and sweaty without turning on your computer (or getting another restraining order against you). Now, ever since Anna Kournikova made her splash (what, a decade ago?) people have been looking for the mythical combination of extreme attractiveness and actual skill. No, no, kids, Im not here to tell you we've found her, but merely to give you a quick update on the status of the search. So heres a few quick hits on some of the lovely ladies of the tennis world.

1. Maria Sharpova-Russia

While claiming to be Russian, this leggy blonde has spent most of her 20ish years in Florida learning to play tennis. Whats the statute of limitations on that? I mean she speaks English as well as every other brainless Floridian Ive ever met. Take the plunge Maria, we will welcome you with open arms. Regardless of her origin, Sharapova is probably the closest thing we have to the perfect female tennis player. Solid skills and with a winning track record, she has a real competitive fire that will burn for at least another 5-7 years. Her statuesque form and photogenic smile give her points in the looks category, while grunting gives her street cred.

2. Ana Ivanovic-Serbia

My personal favorite on the tour right now. Saw a bit of her Aussie Open final match vs. Sharapova, very entertaining. In my "research" for this article, I found out she is actually married to some douche with a faux-hawk, so I dont even know if she actually belongs on this list, but the official Straight Up Sports posting rulebook is moot on the issue so Ill let her be.

3. Daniela Hantuchova-Slovakia

Why is it that former Soviet satellite countries dominate the production of hot female tennis players? It may be their inherent superiority in the attractiveness gene(Even Cali girls cant compete with Eastern Europe), or it may be some insidious plan hatched in the 80's by Gorbachev to take back the initiative in the global image competition between the US and USSR after Rocky Balboa's stunning defeat of Ivan Drago. We don't really know, history will have to decide. I will have to say though, I saw some amazingly thin pics of this girl, kinda scary. Women need to understand that anorexia is not very attractive, its ok (preferable even) to have a little junk in the trunk. Speaking of that....

4. Serena Williams-USofA

This one is for the brothers. I'm not a big fan of either Williams sister. Honestly, they kind of scare me. But damned if I haven't met tons of black guys who LOVE this girl. In fact, I just asked my coworkers who was hotter, Venus or Serena. Unanimous decision for Serena, with the comment, "Venus looks like a crackhead". So there you go.

5. Nicole Vaidisova-Czech Republic

This is an up and comer right here. A couple months shy of her 19th birthday, Nicole impressed me at the Aussie Open with good court positioning and a pretty decent pair of legs. She was actually born in Germany, but is claiming Czech citizenship. I dont know what the story is, but I dont blame her, Id rather be from Czech too.

Well, thats all I have for now. But I must stress, this is an incomplete list at best. There are tons of attractive tennis players out there just waiting to be discovered.

Stick with Straight Up Sports for all your hot tennis player breaking news from The Brooklyn Hillbilly and MissMet